Pinedale OFFline
Pinedale, Wyoming 

Special Edition - April 1, 2008               Vol. VIII  
Ozone Diversion Pipes
Pipes are anchored thousands of feet into the ground.
Into the Stratosphere
Ground ozone is released high in the stratosphere to replenish the "good" ozone layer.

We looked at this problem and suddenly a light bulb turned on: Value-Added Product!”

Turning "Bad" Ozone into "Good" Ozone
Ground ozone will be piped into the stratosphere to help rebuild the hole in the ozone layer

In a classic example of American entrepreneurism, the natural gas industry has found a way to turn an environmental problem into a benefit to the world.

The Upper Green River Valley, the site of the second largest natural gas field in the United States, has seen an explosion of development over the last ten years on federal land south of Pinedale, Wyoming.

One of the unexpected biproducts of all the drill rigs, vehicles and industrial equipment has been the creation of ground ozone air pollution. The Wyoming Department of Environmental Quality (DEQ) issued five Ozone Health Advisories in less than a month between February and March 2008 due to high ground ozone levels, resulting in a public outcry demanding government and industry "do something" to solve the problem.

"We looked at this dilemma and suddenly a light bulb turned on: Value Added Product!" said gas industry spokesman Brad Belmont.

Just like the helium biproducts from the operations in LaBarge, we can take a waste product and create a whole new market for ozone. We'll take all this ‘bad ozone’ and turn it into ‘good ozone' by putting it where it is needed, up in the stratosphere," Belmont said.

"By relocating the ozone from the ground to the atmosphere, it will mend the hole in the ozone layer up there and help solve the problem of Global Warming," Belmont added. "Instead of government beaurocracy stepping in to further regulate industry, good old American ingenuity and capitalism have found a way to turn things around 180 degrees and even make a profit from it."

The companies already have permits to drill in each of the well site locations and long pipes that extend far into the ground to tap into the natural gas reserves deep beneath the earth. No new federal permits or environmental impact evaluations would be required to extend those pipes vertically upward. "Not a problem at all for us," said one gas-field worker. "One thing we know how to do is build long pipes!"

Industry plans to save billions by getting tax rebates from the international community for their "green" environmental efforts wherever their products are sold. U.S. government officials are working out the details of eco-tax breaks and creating new flow measuring devices to place in the pipes to ensure American coffers get their fair share of the new ozone tax revenue.

Wolf Introduction Program gains more states
Wolves being reintroduced to historic range across the U.S.

Despite an extremely successful resurgence of wolf populations to numbers far exceeding thresholds determined as "enough" for sustainable wolf populations, some groups still feel far more wolves are needed. Biologists have determined the 1,500 wolves in Idaho, Montana and Wyoming are sufficient to take the gray wolf off the federal list of endangered species. But some vocal wolf supporters are strongly advocating that number be raised to 2,000 or as high as 5,000 wolves.

"At first, listening to all the complaining despite reaching all the population attainment goals, we looked at these whiners as people 'snatching defeat from the jaws of victory'," said a Wyoming wildlife biologist. "Then we realized we need to be more open-minded and think outside the box. If these people really want more wolves, we're happy to share ours with them."

In a bold “Put Up or Shut-Up” move, the Wyoming, Montana and Idaho state legislatures, and U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service, have authorized a new Interstate Wolf Relocation Program to reintroduce wolves across the nation. "Our states are already maxed out with numbers, so now we can move to fill up these other states that haven't yet reached their wolf quotas to repopulate the historic range. Our extra wolves will be humanely trapped and relocated to new territory in these other states across the U.S. where we are optimistic they will fit into those new ecosystems in harmony."

The wolf shipments will be delivered to the doorstep of the office of the journalist or environmentalist that wrote the most outspoken article demanding more wolves are needed in the United States, thus ensuring the parties most passionate about wolf proliferation and range expansion become actively involved as part of the solution to make it happen. As a requirement, at least three breeding pairs and packs must reside in the county of the local vocal wolf advocate. "No one will be able to use the 'Not in my backyard' argument any more. Wolves will easily adapt to the suburban residential environment. They will serve to bring back the predator/prey balance to the out-of-control deer overpopulation problem faced by many urban communities, downtown parks and state forests."

“Sure, we’ll take them!” list to date (150 wolves to each sponsoring organization):
California - getting 300 (courtesy Sierra Club and Earthjustice)
Oregon - getting 150 (courtesy Oregon Wild)
Arizona - getting 300 (courtesy Center for Biological Diversity and Western Watersheds Project)
North Dakota
South Dakota
New Mexico
Iowa - getting 150 (gift from the Jackson Hole Conservation Alliance)
Wisconsingetting 150 (courtesy Washington Post)
New York - getting 150 (courtesy
Natural Resources Defense Council)
New Hampshire
Rhode Island - getting 150 (gift from the Friends of the Clearwater)
West Virginia
Washington DCgetting 600 (Courtesy Sierra Club, Washington Post, Defenders of Wildlife, and Humane Society of the US. Way to go Washington DC!!)


Pinedale OFFline (2008)

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Disclaimer: Pinedale OFFline is an April Fool's Day edition of Pinedale Online. All stories are generally fictitious and photos digitally altered for this special edition. No persons or entities mentioned in these stories can be held responsible for claims made by Pinedale OFFline.